No.Nonsense.

As you know, this column is about whatever is on my mind. Sometimes it’s pop culture. Often it’s politics or current events. Periodically it’s something I just have on my mind. And then there are times like today when it’s just what I’m feeling right now.

I live with a chronic illness that’s been with me for more than 20 years. I have learned to accept it as part of who I am, working to encourage others to make the life they want despite their challenges.

For me, it’s fibromyalgia. If you aren’t familiar with that term, it’s widespread chronic pain and fatigue where the sensory input for the pain receptors in your brain are on overdrive. As a result, you literally feel pain and sensitivity throughout your body with no underlying injury. I describe the pain as similar to background music. It’s always there, filling your ears with its lyrics. Most of the time it’s like elevator music- there but in the background. Other times it’s standing next to the speakers at a rock concert.

It causes sleep disruption, restless leg syndrome, digestive issues, brain fog, fatigue, temperature sensitivity, and yes, pain.

There is no cure. There is no overall treatment except managing the symptoms.

Most of the time I’m okay with it. Sometimes I struggle with the glaring reality that I have to make concessions because my body doesn’t do what I want it to do.

And that’s where I am today.

It started a couple of weeks ago when I was updating my life insurance. When the underwriters assessed my health records, they rated me higher because of the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Because this condition is due to faulty signals from the brain, it can be managed through balancing out the chemicals in the brain. And because that means SSRIs, rather than classifying it as a physical condition, the life insurance sees it as a psychological one. They don’t make the distinction between my illness and someone with severe chronic depression. They literally say that I have a higher risk of suicidal ideation.

That’s total bullshit but that’s how it’s classified.

My primary care provider wrote a very direct letter where she eviscerated the insurance company, citing multiple studies and statistics, for their short-sightedness. Now I wait to see if they reclassify.

The other glaring reminder has come from an issue with my hands.

For as long as I have dealt with the fibromyalgia, I’ve had difficulty regulating my temperature. I have understood that if I get cold, it takes me forever to warm up. On the flip side, if I’m hot, I can’t cool off easily.

This was a nightmare when I was going through menopause and experiencing hot flashes. Thankfully, due to hormone therapy I’ve been able to get that issue under control.

About a year ago, I started having issues with my feet staying cold all of the time. Though frustrating, I can throw a blanket over me or put on thicker socks and I’m okay.

Then a few weeks ago, I started with my hands staying cold. That progressed to excruciating pain caused by the cold. Not only would my fingers stiffen but it felt like someone was sticking pins in them.

If you have mobility issues, you can use a cane or a walker or a scooter. If your hands stop working, you’re lost.

That’s where I am right now.

Before you say it’s a possible circulation issue, this is a secondary symptom of the fibromyalgia. What’s more, my heart is fine and all of my levels are normal.

In doing research, I found that compression gloves can mitigate those symptoms and help you resume function. I began wearing the gloves about 12 hours per day and I’m doing okay now.

But now I deal with the self-consciousness of walking around with gloves on in the middle of summer and considering the possibility that people will stare.

I do understand that people really don’t care and it’s a figment of my imagination that others are going to make an issue of it. I do get that I need to reframe my mind that I’m doing this for my health and wellbeing and others’ opinions should not factor into it. I do get that I can rock the look and just own it.

And none of that makes it easier to consider that my life has taken a turn because I need these gloves in order to function.

I’ve worked hard to do everything that I want despite my illness. I’ve done the climbing gym, hiking, zip lining. I’ve learned to listen to my body and slow down when I need to. I’ve made concessions to hire someone to do the cleaning in my house that I am no longer capable of doing.

But I still have limitations and I have to be okay with that fact.

When I feel good I will let my son talk me into whatever crazy thing he wants to do. When I don’t, I’ll ask him to lay with me on the bed and watch a movie.

I’m thankful he understands.

I’m thankful I have mostly good days.

I’m thankful for my gloves that allow my fingers to move and keep me out of pain.

And I’ll find a way to be okay with what life- and my illness- have given me.